Not worth it

As you have noticed I haven't posted an entry for a couple of days now and the reason is that I don't know how to put into words how bad I feel right now. How bad I've been feeling lately.

How did I become who I am today? Where did that girl that I was so proud of go? I used to able to think about how I am as a person and smile. Yes, being how I was gave me a lot of problems when people took advantage of me. That's the main reason to why I decided to change. Too many people took use of the fact that I was an actual good person with a big heart and that I would help anyone without even thinking about it. I never had revenge in mind, if someone hurt me I'd just let that person go but never would I spend a second of my time planning how to hurt her/him back. That's not who I am today. It's true that I am stronger now but to what cost? Is it worth the fact that when I think about who I am today I can't smile? Someone had hurt me and I wanted to hurt that person back and I used the same way that person had used and when I was asked why I did that, my simple answer was that she did it first. He then became quiet and said nothing but I knew what he was thinking. He was surprised at who I had become and omg so was I. I used to be someone who always wanted to be the better person, the one who doesn't do something just because someone else started it. I have a younger sister and I am thinking what do I want to teach her? Do I want to set the role model who tells her that if someone hurts you you hurt them back in worse ways? Or do I want to be someone who can tell her that even though that person did a bad thing you will be just as bad if you do the same back, instead you should laugh at that person with pity and walk away. I realised that I want my sister to be the better person, I want myself to be the better person because it's not worth it, it's not worth wasting hours of my life being filled with hate. I want to be that loving person that I can so vaugely remember. I want to smile when I think about who I am.

Another reason for me feeling bad is because a couple of days ago I hurt someone who is like a sister to me, no, she IS my sister. What I did to her was because of a misunderstanding that I had but even though I had a misunderstanding I should never have judged before I knew the whole story and now I have nothing but regret. I was so mad at something she brought up without going through me first that I forgot who I was actually talking to. I was tallking to the person who means the world to me, I was talking to the person I owed so much to, I was talking to the person that comes first to my mind when I have good news, I was talking to the person who had a heart of gold, I was talking to a sister. I can't take back what I did and the word sorry won't cut it, I know that.

So what do I do now? Dwell in the misery? No! I'm going to change, not really change just go back to who I used to be. My mind will still be as the 18 year old me but my heart will be as the one I had when I was fifteen. Everything I had in mind of doing is erased from my mind. Every person I had planned revenge on is actually, believe it or not, off the hook. Every minute that used to be filled with hate I am now going to use it to bring back the good old me. xoxo